Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare

"Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare" is the fourth episode of the twelfth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It aired on January 25, 2017.

Synopsis
Franks Fluids LLC is in big trouble after a news segment shows Wolf Cola has become the official drink of Boko Haram. Dee and Dennis help with the PR nightmare while Charlie and Mac work on a scheme to make Fight Milk the official drink of the UFC.

Recap
10:05 AM, On a Monday, Philadelphia, PA

Frank arrives at the pub, singing and in good spirits, and sits down at the bar to snort cocaine out of a large ziploc bag. Mac asks how Frank's "Wolf Cola" business is going. Frank replies that it's going very well, as he's selling large volumes of it to "the jews in Boca Raton", claiming that it has become the official soft drink of Boca Raton, despite Wolf Cola originally just being a money laundering front for Frank. The gang play a news report for Frank, which includes a propaganda video produced by a Nigerian islamist terrorist group, heavily featuring Wolf Cola, it having actually become the official soft drink of Boko Haram.

Frank is worried for the future of all the companies in the "Frank's Fluids" group, which include Wolf Cola, "some nip boba drink", as well as Fight Milk. Upon being told that Frank is selling large amounts of Fight Milk to UFC fighters, Mac and Charlie resolve to take control of the brand again. Frank decides to go on the run, to the great amusement of Dennis and Dee, but after being told that they hold senior positions at Wolf Cola, Dennis and Dee decide they must help Frank with his PR nightmare, lest they go down with him. Dennis explains that the modern news cycle only gives them 24 hours to respond to the allegations, or the narrative will be out of their hands.

Mac and Charlie arrive at a UFC gym to promote Fight Milk, and are told that UFC fighters Donald Cerrone and Paul Felder love their product and swear by it. Meeting the fighters in the locker room, Mac and Charlie discover that Fight Milk makes the fighters violently ill, making them defecate, vomit and sweat profusely, which the fighters exploit to cut weight before weigh-ins.

At a local morning news studio, Dennis, Dee and Frank are getting ready for their appearance. While Frank suggest that they try to downplay how bad Boko Haram is, and Dee believing they should publically apologize, Dennis insists that they only "take responsibility" in a very non-specific manner, which he himself will do as the others sit silent. When being interviewed live, everything initially goes swimmingly as Dennis speaks his part, but things go awry when Dee bursts in, apologizing for their mistakes and claiming that she's firing people "as we speak", followed by Frank claiming that Boko Haram are insignificant compared to groups like Al Qaeda and ISIS.

As Dennis, Dee and Frank reset their 24-hour clock, preparing to go back on the news and hopefully undo the damage they just did, Mac and Charlie rebrand Fight Milk and shoot a new commercial, hoping to appeal to women, an idea which immediately fails. Their frustration with having become "the diarrhea guys" when they set out to create a popular muscle-building supplement prompts them to go back to the lab to create a new Fight Milk formula.

Back on the morning news, Dennis manages to restore the public's confidence in Wolf Cola, despite some ill-advised on-air remarks from Dee and Frank. Just as the segment is ending, however, a dog featured in the previous news story walks on set and licks Dennis' hand, which launches Dennis into a long and slightly psychotic anti-dog tirade, firmly stacking public opinion against them yet again.

At the UFC gym, Cerrone and Felder have serious complaints about the reformulation of Fight Milk, as it's no longer making them ill. They threaten to kill Mac and Charlie if they fail to make the weigh-in, but Mac and Charlie insist that it's a two-step process, and that drinking some "Fight Milk Classic" will have them "puking on their dicks in no time". The fighters do make their weigh-ins, and Mac and Charlie storm the stage, announcing in the microphone that Fight Milk is now the official drink of the UFC. Despite being rebutted and thrown off stage almost immediately, the entire arena participates in a "Fight Milk" chant.

Back at the pub, Mac and Charlie arrive, announcing that Fight Milk has "shit the bed". A news report states that the UFC fighters who drank Fight Milk have all tested positive for banned substances, Mac and Charlie having included human growth hormone in the reformulation. Dennis sees a light at the end of the tunnel when the news describe the scandal as "a smudge on the UFC", as Fight Milk has become known as the official drink of the UFC, explaining that the UFC scandal will divert public attention away from Wolf Cola. The gang's happiness is short-lived, however, as the news report goes on to state that Fight Milk, too, is owned by Frank's Fluids. They reset the 24-hour clock.

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
 * Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds

Guest starring

 * Bob Wiltfong as Chet Wallum
 * Dana White as Dana White
 * Megan Olivi as Megan Olivi
 * Donald Cerrone as Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone
 * Paul Felder as Paul Felder "The Irish Dragon"

Co-starring

 * Gichi Gamba as Boko Haram Leader
 * Gordon Greene as Mike Maxford
 * Derrin Horton as News Anchor
 * Tiffany Panhilason as Ring Girl (Lisa)
 * Devan Chandler Long as Gym Worker

Trivia

 * The gaff where Frank mistakes Boko Haram (terrorist group in Nigeria) for Boca Raton (town in Florida) is actually a nod to the real life situation where Congressman Paul Gosar mixed up the two while doing an interview on CNN in 2015. (Story, with video, here.)
 * Fight Milk was introduced in the 8th season episode "Frank's Back in Business", and then shown again in the Season 10 finale, "Ass Kickers United: Charlie and Mac Join a Cult".
 * Wolf Cola was introduced in the 7th season episode "Sweet Dee Gets Audited", and returned in the Season 10 finale, "Ass Kickers United: Charlie and Mac Join a Cult". In this episode, the rest of The Gang seems surprised that Frank is actually selling Wolf Cola, but he sold it to members of Ass Kickers United. We also saw Dennis crack open a can of Wolf Cola at the faked funeral for Dee's phony infant son Barnabas.
 * This episode features an appearance from UFC fighters Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone and Paul Felder "The Irish Dragon" along with reporter Megan Olivi and founder Dana White.
 * The Fight Milk commercial Mac and Charlie make shows a short clip from a comedian (well, not really) named Landslide from the season 9 episode "The Gang Broke Dee." Appropriately for Fight Milk, Landslide's act consisted mostly of jokes about diarrhea.
 * The Twitter addresses shown on the crawl on Dennis, Dee, and Frank's TV appearances are real Twitter users, though they did not send the tweets shown in real life. The common thread between them is that they all follow the official Twitter accounts of either the show itself or the cast members.
 * Frank's "Go for it, go for it" song was first heard in the Season 2 episode "Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom."
 * Dennis voices a passionate hatred of dogs in this episode, though he and Dee steal a pack of them (and Cricket) from a dog pound and release them on the streets to keep them from being put down in Season 8's "Pop-Pop: The Final Solution".
 * Dennis has previously eaten dog meat in Season 11 episode "Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs" (cooked by Mac).

Quotes

 * Dennis: (annoyed) Dude, I only wanted the illusion of power, the illusion. (irritated) I never saw an ounce of puss!
 * Frank: I don't know how we're gonna come back from dealing with terrorists.
 * Dennis: Christ! Mercedes built Nazi tanks and Jews are still driving their cars around. Floyd Mayweather beat the shit out of multiple women and he's the highest paid athlete of all time, right. There's only one thing you can't come back from: banging kids.
 * Dee: Well, what about the Catholic church?
 * Dennis: Hm, that's a good point. Now they did sidestep banging kids pretty masterfully, but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal and we do not, so here we go.




 * Dee: No you say you're sorry and then you just move on.
 * Dennis: No Dee, you actually don't say anything. But you do have a very important job: to say nothing and stand behind me. You see audiences are gonna trust me over you because you are a woman and by definition shrill.
 * Dee: No, women identify with women in power.
 * Dennis: Oh no Dee, women hate other women in power.
 * Frank: I'm threatened by 'em.
 * Dennis : (Agrees) everyone is. Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.




 * Charlie: Uh, Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Felder?
 * (They see Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone puking into a trash can.)
 * Charlie: It’s us, the Fight Milk guys.
 * Cerrone: Oh, man, we love your drink, we just had some.
 * (He motions towards a stall, and the door opens and we see Paul Felder is in there, on the toilet.)
 * Felder: Yeah, man, I’d get up to shake your hands if I wasn’t shitting my brains out right now.
 * Mac: Oh, no.
 * Charlie: No, no, that’s fine, yeah.
 * Mac: So Fight Milk makes you sick?
 * Cerrone: Makes you expel all body fluids.  Sweat, piss, and shit.  We got these weigh-ins coming up.  Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.
 * Charlie: Oh, you’re using it to cut weight, huh?
 * Felder: They should give you guys a Nobel…
 * (Felder farts loudly, then quickly shuts the stall door and starts puking.)
 * Felder: Aww, I just puked on my dick!
 * Cerrone: Rock and roll.




 * (Dee is reading online comments about her on her phone.)
 * Dee: Jesus Christ, I'm just getting eviscerated online. People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch, pretty much everybody wanting to rape me...
 * Dennis: All right, you opened that door the second you apologized, Dee. You don't see this? People need an outlet to unleash their rage. Now social media will come down on you with the fury of a middle-aged man who's accomplished nothing.