Paddy's Has a Jumper

"Paddy's Has a Jumper" is the eighth episode of the fourteenth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Synopsis
Trapped inside Paddy's with a suicide jumper on the roof, the Gang wonders if they should bother intervening with an algorithm of their own - Could he, would he, should we?

Plot
11:00 AM, on a Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA

The Gang minus Frank watches a British TV Show. When Mac comments he usually doesn't like stuff like this, Dennis tells him that the algorithm knew they would like this, based on all the other things they've watched, taking thinking out of the equation.

They are just asking themselves where Frank is with the fish and chips when a police woman enters the bar. Charlie, Dennis, and Mac immediately stand against the wall, putting their hands behind their backs or above their heads while Dee starts filming. The police woman doesn't want to arrest them; she's there to tell them there is a jumper (later called Brian O'Brian by the news) on the roof of Paddy's pub. While the police is taking care of this, no one can enter or exit the pub.

Mac wonders if they should do something about the jumper since maybe this is God testing him, but Dee retorts this is just a cry for attention, commenting if he really wanted to kill himself he'd slit his wrists from metacarpal to bicep. Her knowledge of the best method makes the guys think she thought about killing herself and they call her pathetic. Charlie thinks it doesn't matter anyway since you can't die from a three-story-tall building like Paddy's pub, but Mac protests science doesn't matter since this is all about God, their argument quickly devolving in a screaming match that ends with Mac telling Charlie that he isn't a real American.

Dennis proclaims there is a way to figure this out without emotions, using an algorithm. He writes down his behavioral algorithm: ''Could he? + Would he? + Should we = Answer. ''Charlie starts with the question if the jumper could die. He uses a cardboard box as Paddy's pub and a boiled egg with sticks as arms and legs as jumper, demonstrating what would happen. Since the egg's shell is slightly cracked and the leg stick breaks, Charlie concludes the jumper would only break a leg. Everyone is disappointed they didn't get a full explosion and Dennis argues they should use an uncooked egg which would be a better representation for the human head. Charlie, however, doesn't have another egg. Charlie says that he found the egg in a hole, disgusting Dee, who was eating it.

Charlie has another idea of what they could use: Franks casaba melon, which is locked in a safe. Frank has cut out a round piece of it and then put it back in, which leads the Gang to conclude Frank is having sex with it. Just then Frank is calling from outside of Paddy's. When Dennis tells him they'll use this melon, Frank is angry and wants to stop him. This causes him to try and get into Paddy's. When the police offer stops him, he tells her his son is going to do something stupid, leading her to believe his son is the jumper. She questions him and he tells her his son is deranged and that Frank is afraid he will do something really stupid this time. She still doesn't let him in. Then Jackie Denardo appears, wanting to interview Frank, the supposed father of the jumper.

Meanwhile, Charlie steps up on a ladder and throws the melon down. It's caught at the last moment by Cricket. He asks them why they're wasting a good melon. When they tell him, Cricket comments he has fallen from higher buildings and wants to take the melon, but the Gang kicks him out. This reminds Dennis that they already have data: Maureen Ponderosa died falling from a much shorter building. The rest of the Gang object that Dennis pushed her, which Dennis denies (though he does comment on how it was fortunate that she landed on her head, or someone made it look that way). This leads to a conclusion that, if the jumper jumped head first, he could definitely die. This leads them to the next question of the algorithm, and Dennis asks if Brian O'Brian would jump at all.

In order to to get to know the jumper, they check out his social media presence. On the surface, everything looks normal. Dennis notes he keeps wearing baseball hats and clinging to his youth, suggesting he may have Daddy issues. Also, he gave him a stupid name just like Mac's Dad did, and they all know Luther hates Mac. Dennis also notices he met a woman (and spins a whole story about them including fabricated facts about their sex life) who recently disappeared from his social media, suggesting she broke up with him due to his issues. They conclude that he certainly would jump.

Dennis goes over to the question if they should get involved. He points out that they might become known for being the bar someone jumped off. The Gang brings ups they could actually lean into this, becoming a jumper bar of sorts. Dennis concludes it would actually be better for the bar if he would jump. The algorithm is telling them this man wants to die, could die, and they would all benefit if he would die, so they should get involved and make sure he actually dies.

Outside Jackie Lenardo is interviewing Frank on TV when word comes that the jumper is coming down to talk to his estranged father. The Gang is about to discuss how to make sure the jumper dies - Cricket volunteering to push him down - when the get the info. Charlie points out this is actually good since he didn't feel entirely comfortable with this despite the algorithm declaring they should do this, and they go back to watching the British TV show.

Outside, the jumper comes down to see that his actual father is not here and Frank reveals another idiot is his son, and that he was distracted by Jackie, before going into Paddy's pub. He reveals he has hidden weed in the casaba melon, much to the confusions of everyone else since no one has to hide his weed anymore. Franks asks them why they still watch the British show, and they all admit they actually don't like it - the algorithm wasn't right. Cricket asks if he can eat the casaba melon now but Frank tells him it is full of his loads.

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
 * Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds

Guest Starring

 * David Hornsby as Cricket
 * Jessica Collins as Jackie Denardo
 * Christine Horn as Cop
 * Bob Wiltfong as Chet Wallum

Co-Starring

 * John Ponzio as Jumper

Trivia

 * Ryan McPoyle already fell from the roof of Paddy's in The Gang Gets Held Hostage and didn't die, although that was off the side building.
 * Dennis's Range Rover is still there from when the Gang shot an RPG at it at the end of Season 12 in Dennis's Double Life
 * Dennis seems to suggest that someone did push Maureen Ponderosa off the roof, despite saying the police had CCTV footage of her falling at the end of Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer.