The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 1)

"The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 1)" is the twelfth episode of the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Synopsis
The gang find themselves married to the mob when they sell a bag of cocaine that a group of mobsters hid in a pair of speakers. To pay off the debt, Frank whores out Dennis to older women, Charlie works at a stable, and Mac tries to call off the impending mob hit by becoming a mafioso.

Recap
2:30PM on a Monday

The lights are out at Paddy's Pub, and Dennis and Mac are trying to figure out how to fix the corroded, rusty circuit breaker box. After Dennis gets some spectacularly bad advice from Mac (from the movie Tango & Cash), and then nearly electrocutes himself trying his own plan, he tells Frank that he should pay to get the electricity fixed. Frank refuses, saying he can't always bail them out.

Dee and Charlie, who had been sent out to get flashlights, come back with something else—a large pair of speakers, which Dee says fell off the back of a truck. When Charlie sets one of them up on a table, the front falls out, and it is revealed that a large bag of cocaine is taped inside it.

The Gang tries to figure out what to do with the drugs. Frank wants to just get rid of the drugs, but after The Gang rejects his suggestions, Dennis suggests that they sell the drugs to pay to fix the electricity. Frank is horrified, saying that only "scumbags" and "the biggest pieces of shit" deal drugs. Charlie says that they aren't actually going to deal the drugs themselves: they'll go to Bingo, a shady guy Frank knows, and sell the coke to him. Frank at first orders them to not go to Bingo, but he eventually just tells them to not mention his name.

So we jump to a cluttered garage, where Charlie introduces himself to Bingo by saying "Frank sent us." Bingo orders them to not look at him as they talk, so they look straight up at the ceiling. Charlie tries to be coy, talking about "nose clams", but when Bingo and Dee don't know what he's talking about, eventually Bingo just asks "So you want to sell me cocaine?" They sell Bingo the bag of coke.

Dennis and Mac are sitting outside the bar when they are approached by three gangsters in track suits. The gangsters say that they have heard that "a certain something that belongs to us" that "fell off a certain truck" has come into their possession, and they want The Gang to either return it, or pay them its value -- $25,000. They have until Friday to pay. And the consequences of not paying are not good.

Charlie and Dee return to the bar, saying they have sold the drugs. The lights are already fixed. Dennis tells them that the Mob saw them taking the drugs, but Charlie says not to worry, they'll just pay the Mob back from what they got: a cool $300. Dennis and Mac are horrified, of course, because the drugs were worth $25,000. Dennis is in a state of panic, because he doesn't see any way to get that money by Friday, especially after Frank makes it clear they are on their own. So it appears they are in real danger of getting "whacked off."

Dee, Dennis, Charlie, and Mac go back to Bingo to get the drugs back. He's happy to give them back—for $5,000. He does offer something that they can sell: Oxycontin. He offers them a big bag of Oxycontin for $1,200. Dee tells them that it's only $300 each, but it's soon clear that the others don't have any money, and she'll have to come up with the full $1,200 herself.

They take the Oxycontin back to Paddy's, and ask Frank what to do. Frank is still adamant that they come up with the money themselves, and that he will not bail them out. Mac declares himself "boss" and asks Frank to help them get into the country club he used to belong to. Frank tells them that they won't make $25,000 in 4 days just by selling the pills they got, "so you're gonna have to turn a trick or two." Frank tells them that there's a market for a "male escort", and he thinks Dennis is the right choice. Dennis refuses.

They go to the country club. When Frank tells Dennis to unbutton the top button of his shirt, Dennis accuses him of trying to turn him into a whore. Charlie sees a jockey from the racetrack next door and is fascinated, and heads over there. Dennis continues to refuse to follow Frank's plan to make him an escort: "You're just going to have me bang old ladies, and then move on to dudes." Mac continues to be bossy.

At the racetrack, Charlie bonds with one of the horses, Peter Nincompoop. A jockey comes up to him, saying he is surprised at how much the horse seems to like Charlie, especially since she kicked the last stable boy's brains in. He asks Charlie if he'd like a job, and Charlie says yes, picking up a big pile of horse shit with his bare hand to prove how much he'd like the job.

Mac and Dee go into a salon at the country club full of businessmen, to sell them pills. Mac's plan is that he will be a "high-powered businessman", and Dee will be his secretary. When Dee says she'd rather play his "business partner", Mac refuses, saying that these are "old-school" businessmen who don't believe women have a place in the business world. Mac goes into the room blustering about the big deals he's making, but Dee undermines his act by asking him for details of the big deals he's bragging about, which soon proves he knows nothing about business, and Mac then makes matters worse by blatantly whipping out the bag of pills he has and asking point-blank "Who wants to buy some drugs?"

Dennis is at a bar when a very attractive Latin guy walks up to him. The Latin guy asks him if he's working, and when Dennis is unsure what he means, the Latin guy says "I know a gigolo when I see one." When Dennis denies he is a gigolo, the Latin guy tells him he could make a killing as a gigolo. He also tells Dennis he doesn't need to bang the old ladies, just be nice to them and give them attention. Dennis seems encouraged by the conversation. Then we see that the "gigolo" is actually a dishwasher Frank paid to tell Dennis that he would be a good gigolo and he doesn't have to bang old ladies after all.

Back at the track, Charlie is partying with the jockeys, to whom he has sold all the pills he had. Buster, the jockey from earlier, again encourages Charlie to take the stable boy job. Charlie says that he can't take the job until he gets things straightened out with the Mob, but after that he would love to, because he has bonded with the horse, which makes him think he was a centaur in a past life. When Buster makes a very clumsy pass at him, Charlie leaves.

In the country club's restaurant, Dennis is plying his new trade, having lunch with a much older woman. Charlie crashes the lunch, and Dennis tries to send him off, but soon Frank comes in as well, calling himself Dennis' "pimp". A security guard for the club then tells them that Mac and Dee had to be escorted off the property—they were caught selling drugs.

When they get to the car, Dee tells Dennis, Charlie, and Frank that Mac's bad decisions led to them being kicked out and their pills confiscated. Charlie shows that he sold all his drugs, and Dennis says that he is now working as a "handsome companion". Mac continues to act bossy even though he blew his own task, and everyone else made progress towards the goal, so the rest of the Gang ditches him and drives off.

Mac steals a golf cart and seeks out the mobsters. He tells him that he wants to join their crew. The mobsters agree that he can, but he must prove his loyalty...by cleaning their bathrooms. After he goes into their building to start, one of the gangsters asks him he's sure he wants to let him become a part of the crew, and the other says that his plan is to make him their "bitch boy" to Friday, and then "I'm gonna whack him off irregardless."

To be continued...

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
 * Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds

Guest Starring

 * John Mariano as Johnny
 * James Price, Jr. as Anthony
 * Matt Cedeno as Rico
 * Gregg Weiner as Bingo

Co-Starring

 * Mario Di Donato as Lefty
 * Big Will Harris as Security Guard
 * Robert Towers as Buster the Jockey

Trivia

 * When the gang is trying to explain to Charlie what a jockey is, Frank's mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. Dennis is the one speaking.
 * The dishwasher that Frank hires to pretend to be a gigolo to talk to Dennis calls him a "puta pendejo" after Frank leaves. If this had been properly grammatically Spanish ("puto pendejo"/"puta pendeja"), it would translate to "fucking asshole."
 * Charlie says to Dee "Why don't I go down to the bank, and say 'Excuse me, do I have an account here?'", which seems to imply that he does not have a bank account.  However, in the episode, Frank funnels money into Charlie's bank account to hide it from his ex-wife, which funds Charlie and Mac's wild night on the town.
 * Frank says "In my day, only the biggest pieces of shit sold drugs." In the episode "The High School Reunion, Part 1", we learn that Mac sold pot in high school. In "Frank's Brother" we learn Frank has a history in the cocaine smuggling business.

Quotes

 * : There's something about that horse, Buster, it's like we looked at each other, and there was eye contact, and I was looking at the horse, and the horse was looking at me, and it hit me, I think, maybe, I was a centaur in a past life.
 * Buster the Jockey: Eh, something tells me you were never half-man half-horse, but, hell, what do I know? All I know is you got a great attitude. So come on, you old son of a gun, and let Buster do a line off your boner.