Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

"Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties" is the third episode of the seventh season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Synopsis
finds himself in the child beauty-pageant business and fears that people might think that he's in it for the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, wages war on stage moms; and 🇲🇴,  and  think they have found a contestant to back.

Recap
12:00PM on a Saturday

Frank runs into the bar, trips and breaks his nose. He doesn't have time to worry about the blood that is gushing because he has bigger problems; he has invested in a beauty pageant. The rest of the gang doesn't see what the problem is until the contestants enter; young girls in bikinis.

In Paddy's office, the gang strategizes what to do. Frank is concerned that people will think he molests children because the previous investor had just been arrested for diddling children. Dee states that she loves pageants because she would enter them as a child to prove to her mother that she was pretty. Charlie convinces the gang that child pageants are pro-American because it allows Americans to display their kids and demonstrate how free their women and children are.

The parents drop their children off at Paddy's and Frank, still with a broken bleeding nose, welcomes them. He fumbles his words so Dee takes over. In the office, Charlie, Mac and Dennis write songs for the pageant and decide that they will be a part of the show. A man enters and tells Dee that he is an inspector, there to make sure the children are protected. She pins the pageant on Frank.

Charlie teaches the kids their group dance but they aren't synchronized. He criticizes them all. Dee goes up to Samantha - the most talented and prettiest girl in the group - and compliments her. Samantha is bitchy to Dee, so Dee decides to help Samantha's sister win the pageant. Dennis, Mac and Charlie wonder why there is a boy in the pageant and find out he loves to sing and dance. They decide to choreograph his dance and help him win.

At the pageant, Frank shows off his makeup which was done by a mortician. They have Artemis start the music and Dennis, Mac, Dee and Charlie sing and dance an introduction song to the show. Frank thanks everyone for attending, and says multiple times that he doesn't like to diddle children. The girls then proceed to perform their talents. Dee sings with her contestant a song about how shitty parents can be. Dennis, Mac and Charlie help the boy perform a shirtless techno version of "Yankee Doodle Dandy".

In between acts, Frank's microphone accidentally turns on while he is talking to his mortician stylist. Frank tells him that when he dies he doesn't mind if the mortician has sex with his corpse or eats it. He realizes his mic is on so he rushes on stage to try and save face to an angry crowd. The police rush in and arrest the "inspector" (actually a pedophile), who has been traveling to different pageants to diddle children.

The gang decides that the whole thing was a failure and decide to leave. The parents demanded to know the winner of the pageant and Dennis declares that Samantha won because she was the prettiest.

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
 * Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds

Guest starring

 * Artemis Pebdani as Artemis
 * Caitlin Carmichael as Samantha
 * Erik Jensen as Walter Harris
 * Maxim Knight as Benjamin
 * Emily Evan Rae as Justine

Co-starring

 * Zarii Arri as Aimee
 * Cory Blevins as Benjamin's Dad
 * Vanessa Celso as Justine's Mom
 * Anise Fuller as Aimee's Mom
 * Brian Lally as Detective Haney
 * Jennifer Ann Massey as Ashley's Mom
 * Madison Moellers as Lauren
 * Kaitlyn Nakatani as Kristen
 * Bobbie Prewitt as Ashley
 * John Wiltshire as Mort

Trivia

 * Mac, Charlie & Dennis' robot dance in yellow jumpsuits - it's a parody of the climactic scene of "Revenge of the Nerds" movie (which in turn is a parody for "Devo" group's music video "(I Can't Get No Satisfaction").
 * The Gang make a few adjustments to the "Yankee Doodle Dandy" song: besides modern techno sound, they've added a Reagan's "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" (about the Berlin Wall) and Roosevelt's "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" quotes. Also, the Gang made up an electrical voice's introduction "People of Earth, prepare for the future of PATRIOTISM".
 * There's a picture of Barbara Reynolds shown during Dee and Justine's musical number.
 * Mac, Charlie and Dennis (with little Benjamin) all have painted on abdominal muscles - just like the "Birds of War" from The Gang Wrestles for the Troops.
 * When Dee is talking to Samantha she is holding her drink, then has her hands together, then back to holding her drink again.
 * This episode parodies the TLC show "Toddlers & Tiaras".
 * Charlie's sarcastic, high-strung attitude while he directs the show the kids will be putting on is very reminiscent of his behavior directing his own musical in the episode "The Nightman Cometh".  (In particular, his demand that the kids "take a five" echoes his similar order to Dennis to do that when he is upset with Dee's refusal to sing a song.)
 * Frank has stated that he has little concern for what happens to his body after his death before: in A Very Sunny Christmas, he is unmoved by the sight of his "grave" and says that he just wants his body to be thrown in the trash when he dies.
 * In the episode "Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City", Dennis tells a hot dog vendor that Charlie, who is in the back seat of their cop car (and not in a uniform like Dennis or Frank), was "caught diddling kids down by the playground" (this "legend" in turn is based on Dennis' personal experience from 03x11).
 * Frank's makeup, and his tux, makes him vaguely resemble The Penguin, who Danny DeVito played in the movie Batman Returns. There's also a plotline in that movie where one of The Penguin's schemes is undone when Batman plays a recording of The Penguin saying embarrassing things. Furthermore, the opening where he trips, breaks his nose, causing it to gush blood, could be a nod towards his line of 'it could be worse...my nose could be gushing blood!' from the movie. As Frank enters the stage for the last time (before the raid) he makes a vocal sound similar to The Penguin's quack.

Quotes
"(Introducing himself to the contestants' parents) Thanks for coming to Frank's Little Beauties. I wanna thank you all for participating. I know some of you may have heard about that other guy. I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that.  That's not my thing.  I met that guy in a titty bar. It's like... uh..."

- frank

"All these old patriotic songs need updates."

- dennis

"Dude, you're wheezing now. You slow down..."

- dennis

"This is what America is about, okay? Being able to eat at any rate you want to eat..."

- mac

"You know, kids are great. I love the kids... Not in a sexual way! No, I'm- I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch, but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her..."

- frank

"We can do whatever we want with our kids - and that's what America is all about!"

- dennis

"Your mom doesn't know dick. She's a dumb, fat cow, and your sister- She is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?"

- dee

"(Introducing the pageant) Very nice. Very nice, and CLEAN performance. Welcome, welcome to our legitimate show of kids. Very, very nice.  Which one of these talented, uh, entertainers, who I am not attracted to at all, will be the winner?  I'm not attracted to any of them, none of them.  And that's the way it is.  Anyway, everybody put your hands together and clap for the kids. Clap, clap.  (to the kids) And you wave goodbye. Wave, wave goodbye.  Go to your dressing room.  We're gonna start the show.  Go on.  (To the kids, as they leave the stage) OK, just don't touch.  Go to there.  Go on in there.  (Pointing to the right) Their dressing room, over on that side of the stage... (pointing to the left) I am going to my dressing room.  We'll be right back.  I'm over here."

- frank

"Well, someone should have worn a shirt, right?"

- charlie

"The kid, definitely. It felt uncomfortable."

- charlie

"I know, but the kids make it weird."

- charlie

"I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?"

- frank

"Imagine stuff like that goes on all the time. I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want. I won't care. Fill me up with cream. Turn me into a cannoli. Make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. (Discovering that the mic he is wearing is on) Oh shit, is my mic on?"

- frank



Frank's "We Do Not Diddle Kids" song

 * Do not diddle kids
 * It's no good diddling kids


 * I wouldn't do it with anybody younger than my daughter
 * And no little kids


 * Got to be big
 * Older than my wife
 * But older than my daughter


 * Something like that!

"Magic's in the Air" by The Gang

 * : Magic's in the air
 * ', ', and Mac: Magic's in the air...
 * : Lace and silk is everywhere...
 * ', ', and Mac: Lace and silk...
 * : Struttin' with dramatic flair...
 * ', ', and Mac: Dramatic flair...
 * : And bright smiles...
 * So everyone prepare, for something special tonight...
 * ', ', and Mac: Here she is, Frank's Little Beauties...
 * : Your heart will go into a cardiac arrest
 * 'Cause Frank's Little Beauties are nothing but...
 * (Charlie starts to rap)
 * : From state to state, and town to town
 * These girls'll turn your frown upside-down!
 * ', ', and Mac: Uh-huh, uh-huh...
 * : Who's brass and class, and all that stuff?
 * These girls'll show you that they're good enough!
 * ', ', and Mac: They're good, all right!
 * : So put your hands together and settle in
 * 'Cause tonight we're gettin' down (get in town)
 * Only one contestant wins
 * ', ', , and Mac: Frank's Little Beauties crown!
 * : Woah woah woah woah!.. (spoken) Is that it, ?

"Moms Stink" by Dee Reynolds

 * Moms stink! Pee-uuu!
 * What are you gonna do? Yeah!
 * Me and you should go into a secret world
 * Where no one tells us what to do
 * Moms are stupid! Doyyyyy!
 * I'd like to throw them all in the trash! Yeah!
 * They're nothin' but a big humungous pain in the butt
 * A big humungous pain in my VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGINA!
 * Moms are ugly...
 * [Note: the song apparently continues past this point, but is cut off here in the episode.]