"The Gang Gets Racist" transcript

12:45 AM on a Thursday.

''Paddy's Pub. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are cleaning up.''

Dennis: Another big night, fellas. $164.87

Mac: That’s not a lot of money.

Dennis: No, it isn’t. And our mortgage is due in two weeks.

Mac: No, we paid that like a week ago.

Dennis: A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.

‘‘Dee enters’’

Dee: Hey guys. So I met this guy in my acting class and he’s really cool and he wants to see where I work, so could you guys try to not be weird?

Mac: What is that supposed to mean?

Dee: y’know, I love you guys very much, but sometimes you’re not that cool.

Dennis: We’re cool!

Mac: Not cool?

Dee: Try to be cool.

Dennis: Ok, we’ll try.

Charlie: Sometimes, you’re not too cool.

Dee: Charlie…

Dennis: We’re always cool, man.

Terrell enters

Dennis: Oh hey man, we’re closed.

Terrell: Yeah, I know.

Mac: Woah, woah, woah, we don’t want any trouble.

Terrell: What?

Dee: Guys, this is Terrell… from my acting class.

Mac: Yeah… yeah…

Dennis: Hey man, how’s t going?

Terrell: It’s going good. How you doing?

Dennis: Good, man. We’re just… we’re just chillin, dude.

Mac: Great. Just closing up shop.

Charlie: Yeah.

Terrell: Guess you guys don’t have too many brothers walking through here.

Mac: Oh no, we have plenty of brothers.

Dennis: Yeah – African Americans.

Dee: Yeah, we get it.

Mac: You might know some of them.

Terrell: Yeah, we’re probably related.

Mac: No. No. I wasn’t implying that…

Dennis: I don’t think he was implying that you guys are all related. That’s ridiculous. Y’know Sweet Dee came in here a second ago and she started talking about acting class. And, y’know we weren’t expecting you –

Mac: We weren’t expecting you to be black. That’s all.

Terrell: Right.

Dee: Thanks, guys.

The Gang Gets Racist

Title Sequence
''Paddy’s. Terrell, Dee, Charlie, Mac, and Dennis drinking beer at a table.''

Terrell: You know, when I’m promoting, you better believe everybody and their mama gonna be there. You know what I mean? There’s gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever. Y’know we got niggas hanging from the rafters. So, we got like 400-plus packed into this tiny little place-

Dennis: Woah, woah woah, you said you had 400 people packed into a place?

Terrell: You damn right I got 400 – that’s my job, man. And it’s mostly college kids. You know, my sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.

Mac: Ahh and hookups are good. But, just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?

Dennis: Dude.

Dee: Oh, Jesus.

Terrell: I mean my sister.

Mac: Oh, ok, cool. I was just – because – he could mean his friend of his sister and I was just-

Charlie: Stop talking.

Terrell: So we’re packing into this little bity place over on Walnut, right? We’re halfway through the night, everything’s going all right. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin’ me from across the bar.

Dennis: Shit.

Terrell: And I don’t know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me. You know what I’m saying?

Charlie: He’s giving you… He’s giving you crazy eyes.

Terrell: The insane, crazy eyes. Right?

Charlie: I know that.

Terrell: So I walk over to this guy. He’s this big, cut Mexican dude and I look at him and I say “Yo, ese, unless you want to get your ass torn apart… you’d better get that look off your face.”

Dee: No…

Mac: You just walked right up to him and said that?

Terrell: I had to, man. You gotta make the first move. Always make the first move, you know what I’m saying?

Dennis: I know.

Mac: That’s so badass.

Dee: So what happened?

Terrell: Well, hey, he won’t stop staring me down and we’re like eyeball to eyeball, his grill is right up in mine. It feels like an eternity son, right? Finally… he just opens up his mouth and says “I guess you gon’ have to tear my ass apart, homes.”

Charlie: Oh, man, so what did you do?

Terrell: Took him to the back alley. And I tore his ass apart.

Mac: Oh, my god. That’s insane!

Dee, Mac, and Charlie continue to chatter while Terrell glances at Dennis.

Mac: Okay, well I would like to do things like that.

Scene
Charlie, Dennis and Mac walk outside toward a coffee shop.

Mac: I love that guy. “I took him to the back alley”? Who does shit like that? It’s like a movie.

Dennis: Alright, calm down. Don’t get too excited. There’s something off about him.

Mac: Oh, bro, that’s racist.

Dennis: No, asshole, that’s not what I meant.

Charlie: I’ll go up and get the coffee, what do you guys want?

Dennis: Dude. Sit down, okay? Wait till the waitress comes out here and then you can stare at her. Alright?

Charlie: I wasn’t going to stare at her, I was just-

Dennis? You weren’t going to stare? He wasn’t going to stare at her. Dude, you’re like totally obsessed with that chick.

Charlie: No, I’m not obsessed. I like her. I have a little bit of a crash, yes. But obsessed? That’s a bit of a harsh word.

Dennis: Dude, it’s never going to happen.

Mac: Guys, listen. Honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.

Charlie: Why? For what?

Mac: You heard him! When he’s promoting, everybody and they mama’s looking to get in.

Charlie: That’s true, they do have “niggers hanging from rafters.”

Waitress walks out and overhears him.

Waitress: Wow. Nice.

Charlie: No, that’s not what I was saying.

Waitress: Coffee?

Dennis: Yeah.

Waitress: Hitler?

Charlie: No, I’m not – I’m not Adolf Hitler.

Waitress: I’ll make sure to put lots of cream in yours.

Charlie: No, I was quoting a black friend of mine.

Waitress: Okay.

Waitress walks off

Charlie: Well great! Well that’s just great! Now she thinks I’m racist!

Dennis: Dude, will you just drop it?

Mac: Listen. If Terrell delivers half of what he promises, we’re looking at like 200 people.

Charlie: Yeah, that’s true.

Dennis: It’d be nice to get some chicks in the bar. Alright, let’s do it.

Scene
''College campus. Charlie and Mac walk toward the student union.''

Charlie: You sure about this?

Mac: It’s 2005, Charlie. Don’t you think it’s a little ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race?

Charlie: No, I’ll tell you what I think is ridiculous. This stupid plan.

Mac: It’s not a stupid plan!

Charlie: It’s a stupid plan.

Mac: It’s not – this is a college campus, alright? This is a great place to meet people of different cultures, diversify-

Charlie: Oh, the only thing – you’re just trying to make black- mmm – you’re trying to make black friends.

Mac: Well, you know, you’re not making it very easy.

Charlie: You’re trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.

Mac: Stop being a dick.

Charlie: How am I being a dick?

Mac: Don’t do this right now… Don’t do this right now.

Scene
''Inside the student union. A group of black students plays dominos. Mac and Charlie approach.''

Mac: Ok. See? This is exactly what I’m talking about. This is perfect.

Charlie: Huh. Yeah.

Mac: I’m gonna break the ice.

Charlie: Go for it.

Mac walks up to a game of dominos.

Student: I’m about to bust that shit up, Reece. ‘Bout to bust that shit up, boy!

Mac: Absolutely.

''Students stare at Mac. He slowly walks away.''

Mac: Ok, that didn’t go exactly the way I had planned…

Charlie: No…

Mac: It was really, really awkward.

Charlie: Really awkward.

Mac: Maybe we should go.

Charlie: Yeah!

Girl walks up to them.

Girl: Hey, what’s your name?

Charlie: Oh, It’s uh, Charlie.

Girl: Do you play bones, Charlie?

Charlie: I dabble.

Girl: Do you want to play? I could get you a game.

Charlie: Ah, no no. I shouldn’t. I’m not really good.

Girl: I bet you’re really good.

Charlie: Well, it’s been a long time, you know.

Girl: Oh, come on.

Charlie: All right, maybe just one game.

Cut to Charlie playing dominos.

Charlie: Domino, biatch!

Charlie and crowd cheer and congratulate him.

Scene
Mac and Charlie leave the student union.

Mac: This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Why do these people like you more than they like me?

Charlie: Oh, woah woah woah maybe it’s comments like that.

Mac: I meant those people in there, not all black people. What am I supposed to say in that situation?

Charlie: Well, you should say something different. Figure something else out.

Mac: Maybe you should not be so judgmental, okay?

Janell walks up behind Charlie and Mac.

Janell: Hey.

Charlie: Hey.

Janell: Um, I’m Janell.

Charlie: Oh, hi.

Janell: Uh, you got some moves out there, Charlie.

Charlie: Thanks, you know.

Janell: I wanted to give you this.

Janell hands Charlie a piece of paper.

Charlie: Oh, okay.

Janell: Give me a call sometime. All right?

Charlie: Yeah. Sure.

Charlie whistles and throws it on the ground.

Mac: Woah woah woah woah! What are you doing dude? That’s girl’s gorgeous? She’s like the perfect opportunity to prove we’re not racist. She probably has friends for me.

Charlie: Well, come on, if anything I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.

Mac: What?

Charlie: Well, we don’t really need. We need black guys, so…

Mac: Black guys? What the hell are you talking about?

Charlie: You know.

Mac: Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude? Oh my god, dude. You are obsessed with this chick!

Charlie: No, I’m not.

Mac: Let me see your wallet.

Charlie: Why?

Mac: Are you still carrying a picture of her in your wallet?

Charlie: No.

The two begin to wrestle for the wallet.

Mac: Just give it. Oh my god stop making a scene! Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet!