Charlie Wants an Abortion

"Charlie Wants an Abortion" is the second episode of the first season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Synopsis
Charlie gets a paternity test to prove that he's not the father of his old flame's ill-behaved son. Meanwhile, Mac joins a pro-life group and Dennis goes pro-choice, so they can pick up women.

Recap
11:45 A.M. on a Tuesday

While Charlie, Mac, and Dennis are playing a game of basketball, Stacy Corvelli from Charlie's past arrives to inform him that they have a son. While Charlie is reluctant to meet his child, Dennis convinces Charlie to meet with him in order to conduct a blood test. When Dennis and Charlie arrive, they encounter Charlie's poorly behaved son, Tommy. Charlie and Dennis take Tommy to a Free Clinic to get a paternal blood test, but his vocal tantrums force them to leave before the test can be completed.

When Dennis refuses to accompany Charlie and Tommy any longer, Dee accompanies the two to the mall where they run into Charlie's crush, the Waitress. When the Waitress informs Dee and Charlie that she is at the mall as a part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters of America program, Dee is quick to lie that Charlie and Tommy are also a part of the same program. The Waitress is seemingly impressed with Charlie's volunteer work, and mentions the program's picnic that she assumes Charlie will be attending.

Charlie is excited to attend the picnic with the waitress, and pleads to have Tommy for an extra day. However, when Charlie is left alone to run Paddy's Pub during the day of the picnic, Tommy is left poorly supervised, and as a result steals patron's leftover beers and becomes drunk. While Charlie scrambles in an attempt to sober up Tommy, the Waitress arrives. Tommy tells the Waitress that he is drunk, while Charlie tries to deny it, and vomits in the back alley. The Waitress then leaves in disgust. In the end it turns out that Tommy is not Charlie's son after all, and that Tommy's mother wanted to get a better influence for her son, as his real father wasn't a good one.

Meanwhile, Mac seeks out information regarding abortions in accordance with his Catholic beliefs. While there, he signs up to attend a pro-life rally in order to impress an attractive staff member named Megan. During the rally, Mac impresses Megan with a fake list of abortion-performing doctors he had planned to "kill" and crossed off the ones he had already murdered; impressing her so much, in fact, that they have sex following the rally.

Upon Mac's insistence, Dennis decides to attend the next rally with him due to the amount of attractive women in attendance; while Dee decides to attend in support of a pro-choice viewpoint. Arriving on the pro-choice side of the rally with his sister, Dennis' pick-up attempts soon fail. As a result, Dennis calls Mac, who convinces him that his options would be improved on the pro-life side. As a result, Dennis tries to climb the fence to the other side of the rally. As Dennis climbs the fence, the pro-life side confusedly thinks he is coming to attack them. They begin throwing eggs at him, which soon erupts into a pro-choice versus pro-life egg throwing fight.

As the rally ends, Megan tells Mac that she is pregnant, to which he immediately demands she get an abortion. Megan becomes incredibly upset and leaves, telling Mac that it was just a test to see if he were in fact 'the one' - but that he failed.

Alliances

 * Dennis and Mac - They form an alliance to hit on attractive women at the abortion rally.

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds

Guest Starring

 * Mary Elizabeth Ellis as Waitress
 * Spencer Daniels as Tommy
 * Autumn Reeser as Megan
 * Heather Donahue as Stacy Corvelli

Co-Starring

 * Amy Higgins as Receptionist
 * Holly Reiser as Girl with Shirt
 * Esther Ellsworth as Hippie Girl
 * Sonia Jackson as Crack Whore
 * Benton Jennings as Pro-Lifer
 * Cormac Bluestone as Jimmy Doyle

Trivia

 * First use of the word "talent" by Dennis (to denote for "hot chicks").
 * At the 7:35 mark a camera man can be seen on the right side of the screen right next to Megan.
 * In this episode, Charlie is quite shy about approaching The Waitress, which is a stark contrast to the way he blatantly stalks her later.
 * At the beginning of the episode, Mac and Dennis compliment Charlie's abilities as a basketball referee. In the second season episode "The Gang Gives Back", Charlie volunteers to referee the basketball game that Mac, Dennis, Dee and Frank are coaching (due to a community service requirement). Whether Charlie in fact did an excellent job is debatable, as he was heavily intoxicated at the time.
 * In this episode, Dee can be seen cutting limes thickly while Mac argues against abortion. Mac argues with her again later, specifically against thick limes, in "Sweet Dee Gets Audited".
 * Stacy Corvelli and Jimmy Doyle both went to the Gang's high school.
 * Later, Jimmy Doyle will be seen in "The High School Reunion" and "The High School Reunion, Part 2: The Gang's Revenge."
 * When Charlie tries to hug the Waitress at the toy store, he was quickly held back by Dee - this was an improvisation by actress Kaitlin Olson.
 * Dee introduces herself to the Waitress in this episode, although later in the series it is shown that they went to the same high school.

Quotes

 * Mac: I hate dead baby fetuses, you know why? Because they are dead and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.


 * Tommy: Which one of you fags is supposed to be my dad?


 * Tommy: You have to buy me a toy!
 * Charlie: I don't have to buy you shiiiiiiiiit!
 * Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm going to tell my mom that you took me to a black people's hospital.


 * Megan: What's that?
 * Mac: That's the list of doctors I'm going to kill.
 * Megan: There's two already crossed out.
 * Mac: Yeah, I know.


 * Charlie: Oh my god! I will smash your face into a... Into a jelly!
 * Megan: Did you see Passion of the Chirst? I saw it 12 times.


 * Megan: Hey guess what, I have a surpise for you. A real miracle. I'm pregnant!
 * Mac: You gotta get an abortion.


 * Crack Whore: Hey, pretty boy, what you here for?
 * Dennis: My friend's gettin' a...blood test.
 * Crack Whore: Your boyfriend?
 * Dennis: No, he's not my...he's not my boyfriend.
 * Crack Whore: He got AIDS?
 * Dennis: I don't...I don't think so.
 * Crack Whore: Do you?
 * Dennis: No, I don't.
 * Crack Whore: I'll blow you for $10.
 * (She blows in Dennis' face.)
 * Dennis: You know what? Let me consult some of the free literature they got here regarding that proposition. Oh, you know what? (Chuckles) According to this, that's not really a good idea, so I'm gonna have to pass. But thanks. I appreciate it. Really nice of you.