Charlie Has Cancer

"Charlie Has Cancer" is the fourth episode of the first season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Synopsis
Dennis and Mac help Charlie find someone to sleep with him after Charlie announces that he's dying of cancer. Mac begins a relationship with a trans woman. Dee's friend Artemis auditions to be a Paddy's bartender.

Recap
12:40 PM on a Tuesday

Dennis stops by Charlie's apartment to pick up a basketball, and Charlie reveals he might have cancer. He asks Dennis not to tell the gang. Dennis awkwardly worms himself out of talking about it and leaves, but not before reminding Charlie about the basketball.

At Paddy's, Dennis tells Mac and Dee about Charlie's cancer and Mac agrees to help find a woman to sleep with Charlie to make him feel better. That evening, Mac flirts with a beautiful woman named Carmen. Dennis reveals to Mac that she is transgender and has a penis. When confronting her about this, they continue to flirt, and he decides to give her a call some time.

Dennis convinces Dee to help them find a girl for Charlie and in exchange she gets to punch Mac in the face in retaliation for a Christmas party when he punched her in the face. At theater practice, Dee's friend Artemis breaks down because she lost her job. Dee tricks Dennis into letting her out of searching for Charlie's girl in exchange for bringing in a girl to do Coyote Ugly style bartending.

At Dennis and Mac's apartment, Dennis walks in on Carmen and Mac watching football. After questioning Mac on what he is doing with a trans woman, Dennis and Mac agree that the right girl for Charlie is the Waitress. Outside the Coffee shop, Dennis and Mac watch Charlie shyly watch the waitress. Dennis enters, trying to guilt the waitress into sleeping with Charlie, but she flirts with him instead.

The next morning he confides in Mac that he banged the waitress, but gives Mac $200 to bribe the waitress to sleep with Charlie. She barters up to $250. On their date, she makes him buy her an expensive watch and clothes. At the same time, Mac continues to spend time with Carmen in the hope that she will sleep with him first once she's had her operation.

At Paddy's, Dennis is upset when he finds out that Artemis is supposed to be the sexy new bartender. She performs on the bar and licks his face to his dismay. Charlie arrives in a very cheery mood, and Dennis asks him about it in the bathroom. Charlie reveals that he went out on a successful date with the Waitress and that he doesn't have cancer. Dennis gets upset, the two yell at each other, and Dennis reveals that they paid off the Waitress to sleep with him. Charlie tells him they didn't have sex. Mac meanwhile is out on a date with Carmen calling his mother, only to suddenly punch her in the face when she taps his shoulder. Several bystanders see this, thinking Mac hit a woman, and Mac explains that she has a penis, ergo is a man, and runs off from the angry witnesses.

Mac and Dennis visit the Waitress's apartment and ask for the money back, but she shuts the door on their faces.

Alliances

 * Dennis and Mac - Team up to convince the Waitress to date Charlie.
 * Dennis and Dee - Dennis teams up with Dee to get her to talk to the Waitress about sleeping with Charlie. She agrees to do it in return for punching Mac. She later proposes another idea: hiring a Coyote Ugly style bartender to work at Paddy's. The alliance falls apart, and Dee punches Mac in the face anyway.

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds

Guest Starring

 * Artemis Pebdani as Artemis
 * Brittany Daniel as Carmen
 * Mary Elizabeth Ellis as Waitress

Co-Starring

 * Dennis Hogan as Construction Worker
 * Dennis Hart as Construction Worker #2

Trivia

 * The Waitress' coffee shop is called "Philadelphia Java Company".
 * This episode marks the first appearance of Charlie's apartment. Although it is filthy, it is considerably cleaner than it is in later episodes.
 * This episode is the first appearance of both and Carmen.
 * Brittany Daniel (Carmen) previously starred with Glenn Howerton on the short-lived That '80s Show.
 * Dee's friend Artemis constantly references the movie Coyote Ugly as she auditions for a position at Paddy's Pub. This is a reference to Kaitlin Olson's brief role in the movie.
 * Dennis can be heard listening to Rick Astley while he is driving in his Range Rover. Later on, the same song is used to overlay a montage of Charlie's date with the Waitress, as well as Mac's date with Carmen. In both instances, the song is "Never Gonna Give You Up". It should be noted that at the time of filming the song was relatively obscure, as the meme of "Rick Rolling" that made the song popular again today did not exist.
 * When, Mac and are discussing how to make  feel better at the bar, Dennis picks up and opens a beer bottle. In the next scene it is still unopened on top the bar.
 * Charlie is seen with a book at the coffee shop, however it is mentioned frequently that he is illiterate. Perhaps he was trying to impress the waitress.
 * The scene where Mac and Carmen celebrating running up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps is a reference to the scene in the movie Rocky.
 * The show's original pilot was a short-film version of this episode.
 * Kaitlin Olson's audition scene for the series was her reading Dennis' part from the opening scene of "Charlie Has Cancer". Olson later said she didn't realize it wasn't the actual dialog for her character and was disappointed that she didn't get to do the scene on the show.
 * This episode is rated TV-MA-LV.
 * The scene when Dennis talks to Dee about the waitress has a continuity error: In one shot Dee is seen with a rag in his pants pocket, while he talks he has his hands in the air, there is a cut, Dee keeps talking but now the rag is in his hands, there is another cut his hands are free again and the rag in the pocket of his pants, seconds later he would use that rag to clean a glass.
 * The scene where Mac is on the phone with his mother after his date with Carmen, then Carmen sneaks up behind him and he punches her, was shot at Pat’s King of Steaks in Philadelphia.

Quotes

 * Dennis: What's the one thing Charlie never gets?
 * Mac: Laid?
 * Dennis: Exactly. We need to find a girl to have sex with Charlie.


 * Dennis: I don't get it Dee, there are tons of women in this city, where do they go?
 * Dee: They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
 * Dennis: Why?
 * Dee: Dennis, our bar is south Philly... in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."


 * Mac: Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic or what?


 * Dennis: He saw her wearing one of those "Lance Armstrong - Race for the Cure - I love people who are dying of cancer" type bracelets...


 * Mac: (on his cell phone) Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. Yeah, I've got butterflies in my stomach. There's one little issue...
 * Carmen: (sneaks up from behind and grabs his waist)
 * Mac: (turns around and punches her in the face)
 * Carmen: Oh god! I think you broke my nose!
 * Witness #1: That guy's beating on that chick!
 * Carmen: Oh my god!
 * Mac: Oh no, you know, it's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis... so it's okay.
 * Witness #1: Dude, isn't that a hate crime?
 * Witness #2: Shit yeah, it's a hate crime! (both witnesses chase after Mac)


 * Charlie: I see her wearing the Livestrong bracelet, right? I tell you I have cancer, then you're tell her, she starts feeling sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way that life works!


 * Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!