Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

"Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens" is the eighth episode of the fifth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Synopsis
When a merchandising convention comes to town, the gang tries to develop marketable products in an attempt to build the Paddy's brand.

Recap
12:30PM on a Wednesday

Charlie shows the gang a commercial for Kitten Mittens - a new invention he's created because cats near his apartment have been keeping him awake. He says he is going to show it to potential investors at a local merchandising convention. Dee offers to help because in her contract she owns all proceeds from Paddy's merchandise. She shows the document to Mac, who eats it on the spot. Dennis and Mac decide to get in on the merchandising action, and leave Frank to design his own products.

Charlie and Dee visit the Lawyer in his office. Charlie compliments the picture of his wife, while Dee says he can do better. Dee demands that the contract Mac ingested still be acknowledged while Charlie asks for assistance in obtaining a Kitten Mitten patent.

At Dennis and Mac's apartment, Dennis shows Mac his new idea - a Paddy's Thong for men. Mac doesn't understand, and continues to show his idea - the Dick Towel. Dennis loves the idea and they decide to proceed with it. Frank enters with a large-breasted woman with his gun in his hand and points it at Mac's face. The woman then tosses a shot of tequila into Mac's face. Frank calls it his new invention - the Gun Shot. They tell him it is an awful idea and kick him out. The two agree to steal and improve his idea.

Charlie and Dee stake out the Lawyer as he sleeps in a sleezy motel. He leaves the motel and gets in his car, which happens to be the vehicle that Charlie and Dee are spying on him from. They try to blackmail him about having an affair, but he reveals he is actually going though a messy divorce.

Back at Dennis and Mac's pad, they work on their new Shot Gun but decide rather than building a functional product they should make a thrilling commercial. Frank enters telling them he has made improvements to his Gun Shot. They fight about who owns the idea, and decide to let the free market decide the winner.

At the Lawyer's office, Charlie and Dee bring in a prostitute as payment for the Lawyer for helping them out. Before they can finish explaining, Dennis and Mac enter with another busty woman, explaining that they want patents for their Shot Gun. Frank then enters with his busty woman and demands his own Gun Shot patent. The lawyer agrees to help them all if they agree to never bother him again.

At the merchandising trade show, Dennis, Mac and their new partner Frank show their commercial for the Gun Shot, Shot Gun, Dick Towel, and Paddy's Egg. They agree it wasn't made very well, mostly because they had to do in-camera editing. Charlie and Dee enter, happy to announce that Kitten Mittens have been purchased. The Lawyer enters, happy as well, revealing that the contract they signed was actually a restraining order against him and signed all merchandising rights over to him. Mac attempts to eat the contract, but the Lawyer reveals he has hundreds of copies. He leaves happily and the gang stares at each other in disbelief.

Alliances

 * Charlie and Dee - Team up to try and get the lawyer to perform free legal services for them.
 * Dennis and Mac - Team up to steal Dee's merchandising idea, and then compete with Frank to create the best merchandising concept. Mac creates the Dick Towel.

Starring

 * Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
 * Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
 * Rob McElhenney as Mac
 * Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
 * Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds

Guest Starring

 * Brian Unger as The Attorney

Co-Starring

 * Elaine Loh as Attorney's Secretary
 * Jason Stuart as Event Director

Uncredited

 * Heather Chadwell as Sandy (prostitute)
 * Kristen DeLuca as Brenda (busty chick #1)
 * Dahlia Dark as Busty Chick #2
 * David M. Zdunich as Ernie the Barfly

Trivia

 * Charlie was filming his commercial with a simple VHS camcorder: that's why it has a 4:3 aspect ratio (the same is true of the Paddy's promotion video).
 * Footage from the gang's Gun Shot video contains footage they shoot in "Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire". (It doesn't show the CGI'd flames that are seen on Dee in that episode, however.)
 * The merchandise the gang creates are:
 * Dick Towel
 * Kitten Mittens
 * Paddy's Thong
 * Shot Gun
 * Gun Shot
 * Paddy's Egg
 * Stress Ball
 * Nudey Pen
 * Paddy's Thong is not mentioned in the video that Frank, Mac, and Dennis make (though all of their other products are), suggesting that they did not decide to go forward with that one.
 * Just in case you were wondering: eating a contract does NOT invalidate it. In fact, contracts can be completely verbal and not written down at all. It just makes it a bit difficult to prove what the contract was. (In fact, along those same lines, in the episode "The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis", Mac says that the agreement he coerced out of a couple to buy a home they are trying to "flip" is a "binding verbal contract."). Additionally, a lawyer cannot sneak ownership of a clients business into a contract, that would be gross malpractice, the contract would be invalid, and the lawyer would be subject to malpractice lawsuits. The gang is not aware of this.
 * This episode ends with a dedication to David M. Zdunich who died two days before the Season 5 premiere's airing.
 * The episode title spells "mittens" as "mittens" (the correct spelling). However in Charlie's video it's spelt as "mittons".

Quotes

 * : (to the camera) Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furniture? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittens. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn’t matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittens! You’ll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy’s Pub. We’re the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittens. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!


 * : I'm making a quieter cat.


 * 🇲🇴: Who's going to keep a hard-boiled egg on their desk?
 * : Fine, then you keep it on the dashboard of your car!


 * : We really like the fact that you don't charge.
 * The Lawyer: I do charge! You don't pay.


 * : (to the Lawyer) We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
 * The Lawyer: Any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part!
 * Charlie: Then I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.
 * The Lawyer: Yes, you have.


 * : I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.


 * : Mind you that heretofore document had dry ink on it for many fork-night. It was a long time ago signed.


 * : You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear!


 * 🇲🇴: Dennis, are women going to want to buy their underpants in a bar?
 * : No. Women will not buy their underwear in a bar, but men will buy the underwear for women in a bar because it's not for women. It's for men. It's a visual stimulant, bro. I'm not wearing this cause it's comfortable, I'm wearing it because I want to turn you on. Get it?


 * : You drew a men's buttocks on a towel!
 * 🇲🇴: Yeah! You get out of the shower in the college dorm, and you got the butt, and people are laughing, your buddies are laughing. And then you give them one of these. [turns around, revealing the front of the dick towel]
 * : Oh, that is big!
 * 🇲🇴: That's a big monster dick!
 * : That is huge.
 * 🇲🇴: That's the biggest dick you've ever seen.


 * : Oh my god! The woman in the room right next to him just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!


 * : You can't take somebody's idea, change the name, and sell it!
 * 🇲🇴: That's the American way, bro. Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe - got tweaked by Planet Hollywood. Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by Go-bots. It's up to the consumers to decide.


 * 🇲🇴: Lawyer! Check out this freakish whore we found!


 * : (to the Lawyer) I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping... and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.


 * : Rape? Bro, I was talking about making sweet love to your your wife while she's sleeping, and I was going to do it for you. Alright, whatever you want you son of a bitch.


 * 🇲🇴: Two guns! Six boobs! We're all on the same team!


 * 🇲🇴: Yeah, it's good. Action, Frank. Go, Frank, now, go! Frank, just do the little...say the line now.
 * : May I drink?
 * : How about a shot?
 * : What the-?!
 * 🇲🇴: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Shot Gun and Gun Shot! (to the camera) You shooting me? Shoot the girls, shoot the girls! Two shots as they were intended, by blasting them directly into your mouth!
 * : Awesome, I'm wasted!
 * 🇲🇴: But, that's not all. Dick Towel! Dot com.
 * : Nudey pen!
 * : ...Egg!
 * 🇲🇴: So, come on, dude, invest in our merchandise and...
 * : Get blasted!